By Monty Python.

MOUSEBENDER:
    Good Morning.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Good morning, sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Ah, thank you my good man.
WENSLEYDALE:
    What can I do for you, sir?
MOUSEBENDER:
    Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmond Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herries by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Peckish, sir?
MOUSEBENDER:
    Esurient.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Eh?
MOUSEBENDER:
    (In a broad Yorkshire accent)  Eee I were all hungry, like.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Ah, hungry.
MOUSEBENDER:
    In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little fermented curd will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Come again?
MOUSEBENDER:
    I want to buy some cheese.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Sorry?
MOUSEBENDER:
    (In a broad Yorkshire accent)  Ooo, I like a nice tune - you're forced to.
WENSLEYDALE:
    So he can go on playing, can he?
MOUSEBENDER:
    Most certainly. Now then, some cheese please, my good man.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Certainly, sir. What would you like?
MOUSEBENDER:
    Well, eh, how about a little Red Leicester?
WENSLEYDALE:
    I'm afraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Oh never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
WENSLEYDALE:
    I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir. We get it fresh on Monday.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Ah. It's been on order, sir, for two weeks. I was expecting it this morning.
MOUSEBENDER:
    It's not my lucky day, is it? Er, Bel Paese?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Sorry, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Red Windsor?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Ah. Stilton?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Sorry.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Emmental? Gruyère?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Any Norwegian Jarlsberger, per chance?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Liptauer?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Lancashire?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    White Stilton?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Danish Blue?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Double Gloucester?
WENSLEYDALE:
    ..... No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Cheshire?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Dorset Blue Vinney?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Brie, Roquefort, Pont-l'Évêque, Port Salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin, Carre-de-L'Est, Bresse-Bleu, Boursin?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Camembert, perhaps?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Ah! We have Camembert, yes sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    You do! Excellent.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Yes, sir. It's, ah ..... it's a bit runny.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Oh, I like it runny.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Well, it's very runny, actually, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    No matter. Fetch hither le fromage de la Belle France! M-mmm!
WENSLEYDALE:
    I think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Oh .....
MOUSEBENDER:
    What now?
WENSLEYDALE:
    The cat's eaten it.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Has he?
WENSLEYDALE:
    She, sir.

    (pause)
MOUSEBENDER:
    Gouda?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Edam?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Caithness?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Smoked Austrian?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Japanese Sage Darby?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    You do have some cheese, do you?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got .....
MOUSEBENDER:
    No, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Fair enough.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Er, Wensleydale?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Yes?
MOUSEBENDER:
    Ah, well, I'll have some of that.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mr Wensleydale, that's my name.

    (pause)
MOUSEBENDER:
    Greek Feta?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Ah, not as such.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Er, Gorgonzola?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Parmesan?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Mozzarella?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Pippo Crème?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Danish Fimboe?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Czech sheep's milk?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Not today, sir, no.

    (pause)
MOUSEBENDER:
    Ah, how about Cheddar?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Not much ca- It's the single most popular cheese in the world!
WENSLEYDALE:
    Not round here, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    And what is the most popular cheese round here?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Ilchester, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Is it.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Oh yes, sir. It's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Is it.
WENSLEYDALE:
    It's our number-one best seller, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    I see. Ah, Ilchester, eh?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Right, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    All right. Okay. Have you got any, he asked expecting the answer no?
WENSLEYDALE:
    I'll have a look, sir ..... nnnnnnooooooooo.
MOUSEBENDER:
    It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Finest in the district, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Well, it's so clean, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.
WENSLEYDALE:
    You haven't asked me about Limberger, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Is it worth it?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Could be.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Have you- SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI UP!
WENSLEYDALE:
    (To dancers)  Told you so.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Have you got any Limburger?
WENSLEYDALE:
    No.
MOUSEBENDER:
    That figures. Predictable really, I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
WENSLEYDALE:
    Yes, sir?
MOUSEBENDER:
    Have you in fact got any cheese here at all?
WENSLEYDALE:
    Yes, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Really?

    (pause)
WENSLEYDALE:
    No. Not really, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    You haven't.
WENSLEYDALE:
    No, sir, not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
WENSLEYDALE:
    Right-O, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
    (Shoots him)  What a senseless waste of human life.