Topic: Story Im starting to write--honest opinion, please...:)

The fleet emerged from the red hyperspace portals, as the light from hyperspace slowed down. Eight dreadnoughts accompanied by sixteen battlecruisers and thirty-two destroyers, the entire 41st Task Force that had chased their enemy into this system. The G3 primary's light shone on the dark grey of the hulls, yet even if it hadn't, the enemy knew they were here.

"Contacts detected" Lieutenant Sironni reported

"How many?" Captain Vainamoina asked

"Picking up six dreadnoughts of the Emperador class, twenty-four heavy cruisers of the Duque class, and thirty-one--cancel that--thirty-two destroyers of the Catapaz class" Sironni said

Vainamoina nodded. A standard Rajrowlian search and destroy patrol...but this time, they were the ones to be destroyed.

"How far out?"

"At least twenty light seconds out--twice our effective weapons range. Their fleet is having to re-organise--our trip around them means that their destroyers are out of position"

"But by the time we get there, they'll be set up, yes?" Vainamoina said

Sironni looked at the sensor data "It would appear so, sir"

"Damn" Vainamoina said.

Sironni looked back at his readings as two chimes sounded

"Sir, picking up two distinct groups of hyperspace portals forming!"

Vainamoina looked up, shocked. Had he walked into a Rajrowlian trap?

"Who are they?" he asked. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Rear Admiral Fenririi start to issue orders to the fleet

"No idea, the ships haven't come through yet" Sironni reported. He looked back at the readings, and said "One group is only five LS away from the Rajrowlian group. The second is fifteen LS behind the Rajrowlians"

"If they wanted an ambush, they've screwed it up" Vainamoina said

"But its not" Sironni replied. Vainamoina looked surprised, and Sironni explained himself "They are two different fleets, sir. The closest one to the Rajrowlians is a Salroncan hunter group, and the furthest one away is a standard Arunan war fleet"

"Thats not much better" Vainamoina replied. Arunans and Salroncans were just as hostile to the Ravian Confederacy as the Rajrowlian Imperium was.

"But the Sallies are not exactly going to fight alongside Rajrowlians, are they, Captain?" Rear Admiral Fenririi said, coming alongside him "You know as well as I do that Salroncans and Rajrowlians don't, well, mix very well. The last time we saw two of those fleets in the same system they tore into each other"

And, just as Fenririi said that, the Salroncan attack ships and heavy cruisers fired, plasma cannons and laser cannons tearing into the flanks of the nearest Duque. Rajrowlian rail cannon turrets turned, glacier-like but carrying more destructive ability than a thermonuclear detonation, started to turn the space around them into a killing zone.

"And the Arunans are not exactly fond of any of us, seeing as we are 'godless heathens'" Fenririi remarked casually.

"But, sir, while they may all fight each other, they will also fight us" Vainamoina replied "And being in a four-way melee is a sure way of making sure your dependents profit from the insurance money"

"Yes, Captain, I knew you'd say that" Fenririi replied "But we are the Ravian Confederacy Navy. We have to make sure these three know they've been in a real fight"

"Er, sir..." Sironni started hesitantly

Both turned as one "Yes?" they said

"Picking up even more hyperspace portals" Sironni reported

"Its a good thing this system hasn't got many planets, otherwise it'd get crowded" Fenririi replied dryly "Who is it this time? Devenarii? Loramian? Great Ones? The Tooth Fairy?"

"Wrong answer" Sironni replied "Triumvir fleet, sir"

And, just as Sironni reported this, five light seconds away four Pride of Triumvirs, four Valax Magnars, eight MonDakros and sixteen Warriors popped into the system

"Well, at least its someone we're not at war with" Fenririi said. Then he leaned towards Vainamoina and said "Err, we aren't at war with the Triumvir, are we?"

"The way the galaxy's going, who knows?" Vainamoina replied wearily

Just as he said that, a message came through

"This is Rear Admiral Horakh of the Valaxon Hegemony Navy, second in command of this squadron. We just popped in to blast the Salroncan fleet to smithereens. Would you like to join us?"

Fenririi replied "With an offer as generous as that, who can refuse?"

Horakh laughed "We hoped you'd say that..."

Re: Story Im starting to write--honest opinion, please...:)

Hmmm....honest opinion.... :?

I'd suggest some sort of lead in to this sort of mass battle to provide a reason for it even occurring.  Your political information regarding relations could be incorporated into this while establishing the system location as relates to galactic position.

I'd change your 'patrols' to battlegroups.  It'd be more believable both in scale and in the reasons they're around.  The number of protagonists is also rather epic...particularly for something that seems clearly to be a random happenstance.

Greater description of scene would help...example:

The ships of the 41st Task Force emerged from their hyperspace portals into normal space, the dull red glow of the portals fading behind them with the typical doppler shift correction of slowing photons. 

The dialogue is good...though a bit of polishing would only improve on it.

Not a bad start overall.  :wink:

Re: Story Im starting to write--honest opinion, please...:)

Ouch, you didn't have to be so honest! big_smile

Re: Story Im starting to write--honest opinion, please...:)

murtalianconfederacy wrote:

Ouch, you didn't have to be so honest! big_smile

Wait til ya see what a real editor would do...>< eek!  *L*

Re: Story Im starting to write--honest opinion, please...:)

Hehe...:D

Re: Story Im starting to write--honest opinion, please...:)

Speaking of editors...I just found out that Jim Baen of Baen Books passed away yesterday due to stroke.  It's a very sad day in the sci-fi book community. sad

Re: Story Im starting to write--honest opinion, please...:)

I don't know how to reply to that. All the replies I have arrayed fall far short of the mark...

Re: Story Im starting to write--honest opinion, please...:)

C'mon now.  Yer creative juices are flowing, so where's the IS piece?

Re: Story Im starting to write--honest opinion, please...:)

Speaking of editors...I just found out that Jim Baen of Baen Books passed away yesterday due to stroke. It's a very sad day in the sci-fi book community.

Argh, that is really bad news indeed!  :cry:

-Will

Re: Story Im starting to write--honest opinion, please...:)

themattcurtis wrote:

C'mon now.  Yer creative juices are flowing, so where's the IS piece?

I've actually got a good start on it--I've written around 400 words, but I've started to falter...

And, of course, there IS the World Cup...:D